Sleepless (translate)
by MyNameIsBack
Summary: Since the Great Magic Games, Juvia dwells on again and again the moment Gray almost passed. Because of her. After another yet night spoiled by her nightmares, she ends up talking to him. But what does he think about that?


Hi everyone!

Here is a little story happening just after the Magic Games (and the whole point is about scan 334 if you wanna know) : this is not really a spoil because it happened a long time ago already, but at least you were warned if you didn't know the whole thing

So a little reminder: Gray protected Juvia from an assault of little dragons who killed him. Then Ultear turned back time and it never happened (he is not dead in the end). In my story, Gray doesn't recall a thing of this minutes, so it is partly on that.

By the way, this is a translation of the French story called "Sleepless" also. I hope my English isn't too bad, and hope you'll tell me, you English speakers, if you liked the way I write. Also, to French reader wandering around in search of a new story, I'm sorry this is not very knew but I modified some things I hope are better on this version. (also I may be working on a chapter 2 soon…)

Hope you like it!

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Sleepless

She woke up sweating and white as a sheet. Her bed was unusually untidy, unusually wet. Her heart beat like frenzy, and her eyes were dilated, as if she was taken in a panic attack. She quickly ran her hand on her forehead to get rid of the sweat, and got up from her bed. Confused, and beset by an awful feeling she could not get rid of, she opened the window, trying, in vain, to appease herself with the fresh air of the sweet city of Magnolia.

In the dark, she could only perceive what the faint rays of the moon -hidden behind the clouds- and some street lamps would light up. Yet the cold wind passing on the hill of Fairy Hills failed to alleviate her. That nightmare kept haunting her. Each time she closed her eyes, the images went more precise, and felt like a stab in her mind. She inhaled, exhaled, but none of it worked. That wasn't enough. Reopening her eyes sullied by those images, she noticed a fine rain falling from the sky.

She ran her hand through her sky blue hair, she sighed once more. The night was definitely over for her. She intended therefore to brew some tea, but her hands were still shaking. The feeling -yet she knew was false- wouldn't leave.

She ended up taking some jacket, as well as the first pair of shoe she found -that is to say slippers- to finally go out from that stiffing room. She carefully walked along the hallway of Fairy Hills -not to be heard by her friends sleeping nearby- and closed as precautious as she could the heavy front door.

She shivered at her first step on the wet and cold ground, and, tightening her mere jacket, moved forward under the drizzle. She first walked slowly, trying to ease her heart, then quicker, to run away from her thoughts, then ran, to forget.

Even though her cloudy mind never established any destination, her step lead her anyway in front of the flat of her beloved. She wasn't really surprised. That passion was now clearly set in her soul, to the point of unconsciously leading her.

Nonetheless, her eyes betrayed her anguish. Though usually, they would enlighten near him -out of joy, envy, passion, or love- they were now on consumed by her fear. She closed them, and let herself falling down on the sideway, against a street light.

He was here. Obviously. He could not be anywhere else. Everything was fine. Very fine. Nothing happened, nothing will ever happen, nothing…

Suddenly, a grinding noise, a window opened. She opened her eyes. There he was. The subject of all her thoughts, taking the air from her window on the second floor. He was trying to light up his cigarette. His lighter was almost empty, so he agitated it sharply, irritated, almost swearing, hoping to enjoy for a bit longer the gas left. However, when his look crossed the girl's he was so surprised that the flame finally produced burnt his fingers instead of the cigarette. **"Damnit!"**

Herself was very surprised: both about his appearance and his sudden cursing. She apologized profusely while he was licking his injured finger. He was upset, even she could tell. He was used to her following him on daylight, but in the middle of the night? Come on!

"**What the hell are you doing here by this hour Juvia, for god's sake ! You gave me the scare!"**

"**Sorry, I'm so sorry Grey-sama…Juvia was…She was just… walking around! But she's going now! Goodbye!"** She immediately stood up and started to leave.

"**Ey, you know, I don't care if you follow me by day, but see, at least at night, I'd like some peace, ok ?"**

"**This won't happen again, Juvia promise"** She said, bowing as to apologize and without any of her usual frivolity.

He frowned. Something seemed off, even though, from far away, he barely saw her face. Her tone maybe? Her behavior? Something -god know what- was telling him she behaved oddly. So before she went too far away, he blurted out **"Ey! Is everything alright?"**

Her **"Yes everything! Don't worry"** she answered as she turned over did not convince him at all. He saw it this time, under the lights of the lamps, her smile. No, definitely, she was not alright.

With time, he learned about her facial expressions. What they meant. Without any surprise, she smiled a lot. She use to smile joyfully to basically everyone in the guild. But there was also the confident smile when someone was asking her help, or the embarrassed one, when she wanted to be polite even to people she didn't really like.

Her smile was her great answer to everything, really. And she did smile even more by his side. But even these smiles varied. There was the one she had during her ramblings, the trusted one during their fights, and the one he liked best, the sweet one she had when she was proud of him.

And then there was the fake one. The "I'm ok" one. The hypocritical one he hated. There it was. The one she had tonight.

"**It's cold out there, why are you walking around barely dressed?"** He added, worried.

"**Juvia likes it when it rains"**

Still that smile.

"**Why is it raining?"**

She blinked and frown, faking her incomprehension. And still that freaking smile.

"**Only god knows that, Grey-sama, come on"** He didn't see it, but his question dangerously cracked the mask she put on.

He sighed and clicked his tongue, before saying "**Come on, get inside, you won't stay under the rain like an idiot".** She didn't seem to understand what he was offering her. He sighed once again. "**Drop it, I'm coming"**

The next second, he disappeared from his window, while she was still staring at it, dazed, and uncertain of what was currently happening.

He went down the stairs four by four, not without some swearing and cursing along the way. He finally got -irritated though- to her place, but instead of getting angry, he clearly could note the troubling state she was in.

Barely dressed with some light satin pajamas, a mere wool jacket and some damped slippers, the young woman was currently shivering. Her hair were surprisingly tangled, so far away from the care she usually gave them, or that general appropriate elegance she always had. Her eyes were merely opened; the dark rings under them were also clearly showing, now that her foundation hid them no more. The whiteness or her skin only added to the whole picture, the appearance of a ghost to the usually dazzling beauty he was so familiar with.

There was none of the shine and joy she normally wore: that face right here was not the girl he knew. And that worried him a lot. Without listening any of her protestations, he took her wrist and lead her to his flat, were she would be sheltered.

Flabbergasted, she hardly wanted to cross the opening door, and even doing that -under his orders- she walked carefully in, scanning scrupulously the whole room. A little bit fascinated, she was trying to make herself the smallest possible, as if, somehow, she didn't belong -or deserved- that shelter she dreamt so much of. Her look made him giggle some and he invited her to sit down, offering her as well a blanket.

"**So. What's going on?"** She didn't answer right away, and, Gray, seated close to the window, asked her if she didn't mind him smoking in front of her (she agreed vividly of course, precautious not to bother him even more). **"So, tell me"** he picked up again in between two puffs. She started opening her mouth, forming the beginning of her damned smile, but he stopped her dead. "**To others the "I'm okay bullshit", please, we won't spend hours at this". **

Himself must have realize his words were abrupt -even though she didn't mind one bit-, because he coughed a little and tried to correct his words. "**I mean… you know… I'm not a monster, I can understand, I won't judge you"**. Then he gave her some of his signature mischievous smile. "**I know you're a bit of a weirdo, but I can't believe you'd be to the point of going out outside, under the rain at 3 a.m for no reason". **

She contemplated his smile. God, he had the gift to turn her upside down; how could she not get ideas with that? She even giggled at his words, so she decided to finally answer him sincerely, even though she hated being so miserable in front of him.

"**Juvia couldn't sleep"**

Well, her answer was obvious, but at least she answered. **"Ok! Great!"** That was stupid to say that. Damnit! She made him nervous. **"Well, no… I mean… not great… But I get it. I don't sleep well either"**

She was also nervous: knees squeezed, hand cautiously put on her laps, looking elsewhere. True, the situation was unusual. Lucy would again gossip around the next day if she ever so learned about it. Gray scowled at this idea, but clearly he understood someone could get ideas. Who wouldn't? Even he at the moment...

"**So why is that?"** He went on nervously to end these dangerous thoughts.

He examined her eyes: they spoke themselves. **"Nightmares?"** he answered for her, more seriously. Her jaw clenched instinctively. The images were playing in a loop in her head. She shivered.

Her silence said a lot.

Between them two, he wasn't the most talkative one normally. She would sometimes do the talking for two, chatting about everything and nothing while he nodded from time to time. But now _he _had to handle the conversation. And to be honest, that made him very nervous. He didn't know how to handle it, and could only clumsily try to comfort her. But truth be told, that wasn't really working.

"**What was that nightmare about?"** He was searching for her eyes, tilting his head, but she was firmly staring at the window. He sighed while smoking. "**I'm pretty use to nightmares also, you know, that happens".** She knew about his nightmares. He had tell her one night (drunk or not, he could not recall). His were pretty violent, and that's why he would be up -very- early in the morning, or at the opposite show up at the guild at 3 p.m.

But still, she had no reaction.

He was about to give up but started pondering. He frowned again. **"Do I have something to do with it?"**

She instantly shuddered, and turned her head toward him; her face crossed with surprise and horror. **"That's… clearly a yes…"** He whispered apprehensively. "**It's been since we came back from the Great Magic Games I find you weird… and tired"**. He had noticed -despite her foundation- she had shadows under her eyes, or was often lost in her mind, or showed up later to the guild. **"Does it have something to do with what happened?"**

The heart of the blue went again beating frenzy against her chest, as she dwelled on these "memories" she dragged on for weeks now. Consumed by her nightmares, she was intensely -almost violently- shutting her eyes. She was still hearing -as if she was at it again- the deafening noise of gunfire, shot by those infamous creatures. She was seeing again and again the first shot, the second, and the dozens after, which went through him like a vulgar sheet of paper. She was still feeling that filthy smell of sulfur and ashes invading her nostrils.

"… **I didn't keep any memory".** She wasn't listening anymore what he was saying. Tiredness was leading her to another world; made of nightmarish hallucinations and gloomy daydreaming. For the first time in her entire life, she wanted to go far away from him, far enough so that he did not hear her cry. **"…even Lyon wouldn't let me know anything, I mean, that's weird".** He didn't realize. And she didn't want him to. She didn't want him to know. She wanted to keep everything for herself: her fear, her anguish, her shame. She wanted to protect him, and protect herself, do as if nothing ever happened. But of course, that could not go this way.

Seeing he wouldn't go anywhere with her, he sighed again for the one-hundredth time this night and stood up. "**You don't need to talk, it doesn't matter, you'll talk another time. What do you want? Coffee? Tea?"** To be honest, he did not even wait for an answer; he knew her tastes. So he put water into his kettle, turned it on, and searched for a teabag which would, by any chance, happen to be in his untidied closet.

"**Gray-sama died"**

He opened his eyes wide and immobilized immediately. The hustle of the kettle was the only sound echoing in the room when he turned around.

She was staring at him, with a terrifying look, empty, suffering; a look so unlikely to find in those pure blue eyes. She had made a superhuman effort to pronounce those words, -she was shaking- and to rationalized all the horror she endured since that dreadful event.

And he didn't know what to say. He was expecting everything but this. With a nervous laugh, he answered nonetheless. **"But I'm very alive right now you see…"**

"**You died".** She repeated again, but unable to maintain her look, or to prevent a drop of tear rolling down her cheek. **"In front of my very eyes".** She murmured feverishly.

His eyes softened. He turned off the kettle -which was making by this point some deafening noise- and came closer to her, holding her out a mug. "**Nothing really happened you know…"**

"**No it did. Juvia knows that. This wasn't a dream"**

She was seeing it again. That ray transpiercing his chest. The blood splashing, his eyes getting empty.

"**Yet I'm alive"**

Ten the second shot in the abdomen, the third in the arm, the fourth…

"**I promise…"**

And finally the one at his head, whereas he was already not much more than a rag doll. The blood which sprung from his forehead, his eyes which had lost all of their shine, his body pierced everywhere. And all those blood, everywhere, everywhere…

"… **I'm fine."**

She could not handle this anymore, her feverish hands fixed at her face, covering her eyes sullied by these horrors. She stood up, wanted to take the air, forget, breath, run, fall, everything except recalling this.

"**Everything…"** She was breathing heavily "**Everything is **_**not **_**fine! That's her fault! Her one and only fault!"** Tears were running through her face while he stared as her disconcerted.

"**Wait, wait, what are you talking about?"** He tried to come closer but she only stepped back. Arms stretched toward her, he felt powerless in front of her tears.

"**Gray-sama, Gray-sama…"** She hyperventilated, and couldn't articulate properly anymore.

Quite clumsily, he approached, and took her arms softly. She trembled, out of fear, confusion and surprise, but let him do. "**Shhh… calm down, everything's fine I promise…".** He tapped slightly her shoulders in a regular rhythm, yet with little distance.

He never saw her like that. Never with that flow of emotion -bad ones at least, and sincere. And he had to admit it turned him all upside down.

He did not really understand what was happening to be honest, neither what she could have seen and was haunting her for days now. But he could somehow get the horror she went through seeing his… death? (well that's strange, thinking about it, to talk about his own death). He did not think he had this much impact on others.

Oh yes, he knows, the guys from the guild love him. There would have been funerals and all, but giving perpetual nightmares? And yes, he knew as well she loved him. God! Was there even a day she didn't let him know? If she didn't say it, she showed it, by presents, smiles, sighs, attentions, looks… But he could not help but thinking that kind of love would disappear someday. That it was quite superficial, some "love" of youth you'd forget and laugh about years after. But somehow she stayed. She stayed when he talked to her, she stayed when he rejected her, when he got angry, when he was behaving, to be honest, like a pure asshole. She stayed, yes, but out of some obsession, not out of love. Right?

She had become more and more important to his life, he had to admit – as a comrade, then as a friend, then maybe…- but he couldn't believe her feeling were something else than pure vanity, and some momentary vague emotion. Yes, sure, it was lasting a bit, but it was ephemeral to him. It could not be anything else.

But yet, she was there, in front of his eyes, lingering on his not-real-death like a pure tragedy. And this wasn't comedy. This was real, sincere, he could tell. Was he really that important?

He tried to make her snap out of it, by seating her on the couch, and by giving her this time some cold water, but her poor heart was still thrown in a panic, and her tears wouldn't stop falling.

"**Ey… Don't worry… I'm here, see, nothing happened; it's no big deal…"**

She frantically shook her head, still sobbing.

"**You don't understand. You don't understand…"**

"**Then explain"**

She paused. She closed her eyes, exhaled a big fit of air, then, eventually, doing her best to keep some composure, dared to look right into his eyes. Those pure marine blue eyes she had so often watched… and now they were so unusually worried. Both of them discovered something new of the other that night.

But she was unable to keep up the look. She was too ashamed to contemplate him like she would normally do.

"**Juvia… Juvia was the one who should have… who should have died…**" She clenched her jaw as some other drops of tear kept rolling silently on her cheek. **"Gray-sama… Gray-sama protected her."**

Gray blinked. Once or twice. Was that all about? He saved her? Sacrificed himself? His heart started beating; he had no clue about that. But well, it wasn't surprising from him, was it? He tried to use so many time the Ice Shield… And to be honest, he was quite happy about that : he saved someone that meant a lot to him. He didn't die in vain. That wasn't so bad.

But thing is, he didn't understand her reaction. Why didn't she interpret his action as she would with more casual things? Why was she so desperate when this, for once, truly meant something?

"**Well, I don't really see the big deal in there…"**

She suddenly turned around to face him, as if he had said some bad words.

"**Gray-sama doesn't see the problem? He doesn't understand? How can he not? Juvia killed him!"**

"**Wow, wow, freakin'… Wow. Hold on. You didn't kill me!"**

"**That is the same!"** She replied tightening her fists. "**Juvia… Juvia is unable to do anything good… She is a bad person, she never changed." **Her tears kept rolling down, and her voice weakened. **"She is always bad luck, for everyone. She cannot change that. She thought she could, but that's just how she is. She should never have come to…"**

This time he got angry. **"Never come where? To Fairy Tail? Now come on, enough all of that crap! Of course you deserve to be here! And of course you're no bad luck!"**

His change of tone surprised her, and she simply stared at him, dumbfounded. He stood up. **"How can you say that kind of stupid shit? You have no right to think that! You've proven a billion times you deserved your place! Don't you dare doubting it!"**

She remained silent for a moment. But when she opened her mouth to replicate, he shut her neat.

"**No, god damnit! Don't answer! You've got nothing to answer! You're the one who don't understand! How can you not see I sacrificed myself because you were a billion times worth it?"**

Again, she remained silent, absolutely flabbergasted and incredulous of what she just heard.

He, on the other hand, was almost out of breath with all of that yelling. What did he just say already? As he slowly realized his words, his face turned red.

"**I… I mean…"** he mumbled, as she was also blushing herself. **"You… well… you deserved… well I mean… I would…"**

She coughed a bit, trying to save him from too much embarrassment **"Gray-sama would have done that for any comrade, right? As well as Juvia would have done it herself…"**

Any? Any comrade? Without really knowing why, her words didn't seem fair. Would that be the same for anyone? Somehow a gut feeling told him it wasn't. But he didn't have the words to replicate, and could not truly refute her.

"**Yeah… right… that's.. it, yeah, sure"** He answered promptly, as he an his hand behind his neck.

Astonishment had divert her attention for a brief moment, and she could finally notice their discussion had did her good. She needed to talk to someone, truly, even though she didn't mean to have such a conversation with her beloved. Therefore, she formed so sort of kind and sincere smile -though exhausted- when she realized rain had stopped. **"Juvia should better go now, thank you for your time Gray-sama."**

"**Yeah, sure, no problem"** He mumbled an answer. He was especially admiring her grin, which arrived as though a sunrise after the storm. He was still blushing.;

"**Anytime"**

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I hope you liked it! Let me know in the comments your thoughts! And stay tuned for a chapter 2 that should come up soon!


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